A Wall Not So Empty

I look up and find myself staring at an empty wall in my room with the caption "Trophies"

I let my body rest in the bed, the thin line between being a complete looser and a honored winner. 

A drop of water falls in front of my eyes and I know this is not what I expected from life. 

I explore every inch of my life and try to figure out what i've done to own this empty wall

Sad music plays in the room and I begin to feel depressed

My mom calls me for dinner but I tell her I'm not hungry, she instantly thinks I'm anorexic. 

That popular substance still runs through my veins and I try to recall what happened last night. 

I remember being on a party, everyone was drinking and having fun. I took some shots and suddenly I remember; that conversation. How could I forget? 

He was standing in front of me while I was trying to get to my friends, behind him my friends were making fun of him. I couldn't do anything but laugh and he just wasn't getting to the root of the conversation. 

"I'm disappointed on you" he tells me while I roll my eyes, every time is the same, he tells me how much I deserve but does nothing to fulfill me. I try to stay focused, after all those shots of tequila it's hard to keep my balance. A song plays in the back and I immediately feel the urge to dance. He holds me and makes me look at him. 

"Why are you so afraid of success? You had everything and suddenly you let someone else take the winnings? " I try to think but I can't. What is he saying? That I'm a coward? 

I say goodbye and go to my friends. I start dancing and I feel like crying. Later on, I dance with someone. He holds me, touches me and I feel safe. 

I return to the room with an empty wall. I am a coward. I am so afraid of success and so used to failure. I make a system and I keep my life together. Goals, Achievements, Dreams, Failures are some of the captions I create in my mind. All I can think is how empty that wall feels. 

I remember something; a prize. A badge at the top of my closet. I used to do horseback riding and I felt so good, I remember winning that medal many years ago. First place. 

I quickly run for it, it's still there, rusty and full of dust but still there. I let out a small weep and hold the medal close to my body. I run downstairs and find a nail. 

The green and golden prize rests against the wall. Hope is written all over it.

 I sit and look up, I no longer see an empty wall.