Misery

The feeling of drowning comes hand by hand with the emptiness I discover deep inside of me. I look around me and find everything falling apart, what do you do when everything around you breaks suddenly? I look at the sky and pray to a god I'm not sure it exists.

 I pray he gives me the strength to swim instead of drown, to help me set my life in order and to help me make things right. Unfortunately, I don't believe in that god anymore; how different everything would be if I did. I find myself all alone with no one to hold or love. 

I try to have faith, faith in life but somehow that faith seems to disappear. The truth is I'm exhausted of having faith, I'm exhausted of seeing everyone who is close to me have a better life than I do. Don't get me wrong, I love them and I'm happy for them and I would give them everything. But then one day this crazy thought comes to your mind "She\He looks so happy, I wish I felt the same" and then you wonder why am I stuck in this whole and can't come out? Why is everybody moving on and I can't keep my pace? Why am I not receiving what I once fought so hard for?

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just my pure imagination, but the emptiness I feel; that can't be just an illusion can it? Am I going mad? Missing someone I never had to begin with? Feeling so lonely when there's a house full of people? Feeling out of place every time I walk in? 

Misery is just one step ahead of me. 

Valentine's Day?

I wrote this story for Valentine's day, I know most of you won't like it because it'a a little aggressive but society is facing this kind of problems and we need to do something. 

This short story is based on a quote I found earlier:

"How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?"

Enjoy! Happy Valentine's Day

He grabs my wrist and pulls me closer. I try to break free but he is just too strong, he pushes me towards him holding my hips.

I know what will happen next, I just know. I can't think straight because fear has me paralyzed.

" I told you it's over" I say pushing him.

"It's not over until I say it's over" he answers grabbing my hair. He pushes me and I fall to the ground. I stay there trying to think a way of running away. He looks at me and kicks me, I feel an excruciating pain in the stomach.

I try to escape even if its just with my mind. I think of a green field with flowers and sun, my brother appears right next to me he gives me a dandelion and a smile. I kiss him and thank him.

I wake up with a punch in my face. I look at him and hit him hard, a bluish bruise appears in his right eye. I run, as fast as I can but he is faster, I yell for help but no one seems to care. He starts to unzip my jeans but I just kick him as hard as I can. He is more angry than before and he threatens to kill me.

"Kill me, go ahead I don't care" I answer slapping him. He seems so tired of fighting with me that he just gives me a forced kiss and leaves me lying there. He closes the door behind him and lock me in his basement.

He returns with handcuffs and a rope. I'm scared, you don't have to be a scientist to know what will happen next. In the corner I spot a baseball bat, immediately hope runs through me. I remain silent and hope he handcuffs me near.

I remember the first date we had, he invited me to the cinema. He was so nice with me, he opened my car door, he held my hand. I kissed him for the first time near my door, I was so happy to have found him.

He comes near me and grabs my hands, he helps me stand up and he grabs my butt, I feel so raped right now all I want to do is cry. I don't even look at him and he gives me another forced kiss, I feel his tongue trying to taste every part of my body

After he touched me, he handcuffs me to a chair, the good part is that the baseball bat is near. I try to think, but nothing comes to my mind. He gets closer and removes my pants. I kick him in the face and he waits a moment to look up; I see red mark beside his lips.

I stay there all night; he just comes once in a while to check on me and I try not to look at him.

I hear sirens coming close and I know I'm safe now. My mother must have called the police, I know she has me in find my friends on my iPhone so that gives me a better time.

I won't ever forget the look in his eyes trying to taking in every part of my body. Most of the people who I've talked to tell me love is powerful but when I think back I know love isn't what drove my ex boyfriend to almost rape me; but obsession was.

Forgotten

Broken smile, tangled hair and dirty clothes.

I came into her room; it was noon she was still in her pajamas and she wouldn't move.

"Hey, come on. It's time" I say

"It's amazing how no one remembers me, how I've been lying here for the past weeks and no one even gives me a call" she answers

"Look, I know it's harsh and I understand you but you have to move on" a smile filled with irony appears in her face

"You understand me? When was the last time you got sick? I'm sorry but you don't know a thing about my life. Have you ever thought on how many people will give a damn if you just disappeared? It's amazing huh? How in one moment people will eventually forget you, how even though you have been a good person people will still move on. Because at the end, life doesn't stop for anybody. Everyone tells you how sad and painful death is but no one tells you what happens next: people move on, they forget about you. So let me be forgotten and leave me alone"

"Yes, you are forgotten by people but that's the important thing"

"What?" She answers astonished.

I slowly move next to her and look at her.

"People will forget you, they will move on and eventually they will die too. But the important thing is to leave something worth remembering. If you don't want to be forgotten well then you have to make something or be someone that no one will ever forget. Even though things change people will remember you and even though it's just for a second; for that second you were something to someone, and that's what matters. So yes, I will leave you here but just remember that every minute  you waste lying here in your bed doing nothing, someone out there is making something worth remembering. You know how many people have died or lived? There are so many I can't even tell you, but figures like Einstein or Ghandi are the ones that transcend, those are the ones that you remember. You think it was easy for them? of course not because everything in this life has a prize and I'm not talking about money, you have to be ready to pay the prize or just live as a normal person"

The Magic Of Writing

That's the thing you don't understand, you don't have to live all this adventures in order to write about them. That's where the magic begins, you write all about who you want to be or where you want to live and then for a moment; even if its just for a brief one you become that person.

Burning Memories.

I stand before the fire holding the last memory I ever wrote about you, a tear slips down my cheek. I can hear the thunder and I know a storm is coming. Suddenly I remember every moment I spent with you, my heart aches. I make up my mind; no more suffering for you, no more thinking of what could have happened and most of all no more unread stories about you. 

The fire grows stronger once I burn the story you gave me, I watch it consume itself, leaving nothing but ashes. A drop of water falls over my hair, I look up and breathe leaving behind every moment I spent with you. I cry not because I lost you but because I can't recognize the girl I see in the mirror anymore. 

Truth be told, I forgive you. Not for her, not for you, but for me. I forgive you and I understand what you did, I accept it and I move on. Today I grant you not only my forgiveness but your freedom.

One day a dear friend told me something I will never forget in my life, we were talking about love and about misery. I told her it wasn't fair how life worked, how one day you are perfectly happy and the other you are all by yourself choking in misery. She looked at me in the eye and said 

"Every person has the ability to change how he reacts towards certain situations. I believe misery can be enjoyed and should be enjoyed, whenever I'm alone and sad I just look at myself and laugh because I know I'm suffering for nothing and I make fun of myself because it's ridiculous how people are suffering from real pain and I'm crying over a stupid relationship" 

 From that moment on I laugh at myself, I enjoy my misery and I try to be happy about my situation and if I'm not happy about it, I change it. 

That's the best thing you can do- change. 

Destiny or Coincidence?

It was about this time of the year when I first saw her, my heart immediately knew; she was definitely the one. She was wearing a pink dress with a cardigan, she had red hair and dark brown eyes. I stare at her and the more I looked, the more I fell in love.

It was a typical day in my life, my mom asked me to get some groceries for that night. I was in my way when I found this old library. Since that summer I always collect old books with some inscription. That day I found one of my favorites; "To Kill A Mockingbird"  

I saw her so concentrated looking at books and old things, I didn't wanted to get in her way so I sat down in the little coffee house next to the shop.

"To my dearest lover, 
I wanted you to read something from my childhood. 
I love you, 
Samantha" 

The first page has this inscription, not only my name is Samantha just like this girls dedicatory but "To Kill A Mockingbird" is one of my favorite childhood books. I was checking out when the cashier told me this book was on sale and it was only two and a half dollars. I smiled and felt so lucky. 

I ordered a coffee and a lemon ice cake. I was so happy to have found this girl, I don't know how to explain it, it's like one day you take a look at this person and you know that destiny has played his part on your life. I remembered what happened this morning with my dad and felt so angry, my mom caught him drinking again and he was so drunk that he almost killed my mom. I helped my mom and tucked in my dad into bed.

I grabbed my book and went to the grocery store. On my way out the bag broke and my book fell into the ground. A guy came running and picked it up for me, I smiled and thanked him. He looked kind of happy but sad at the same time, he was brunette and had blue eyes. He was handsome, I have to admit. And I was so flattered he helped me with my book. 

Eventually, I asked her out. She wasn't thrilled with the idea of going out with me, she was a mystery; she told me to wait for her because she wasn't ready. I didn't exactly understood her but I asked for her number anyway. She gave it to me and walked away to the grocery store.

He asked me out but I told him no, I wasn't ready to be honest; I was more focused on my future and on my career. I just finished high school and I started college in the fall. Also, my parents didn't wanted any distraction because I just started french and horseback riding classes. 

So I went home, wondering about the girl with the red hair and a pink dress. Little did I know she would turned out to be the love of my life. Will you call it destiny or coincidence? I think a tea spoon of both.

A few months later, I received a call. 

When You Break Someone's Heart..

My heart was racing because I knew it was time for us to face the truth. It all started with a comment.

"Have you noticed you haven't been wearing my sweatshirt at all?"

I remained silent. He asked me to be completely honest with him and sadly, I was.

"My dearest friend,

When you break someone's heart for the first time you break your own. I haven't been completely honest with you but the truth is I am so tired of lying and postponing  what we know will happen. You told me to be honest with you so this is me trying. When we first meet I expected nothing from you but pure friendship and then we ended up being something more. I was so happy with the idea of having someone, I felt so lonely and I thought you were the solution but sadly, you were only an excuse. I am sorry for not telling you sooner but I just found out myself. I hope one day you can find someone who loves you just the way you loved me. I can't be the girl you expected me to be, but I hope one day you find that girl.

I wish you the best and it's time to let me go"

Words came out so naturally, so quickly. I guess my heart was the one who spoke that time. I didn't expected him to understand, I just expected him to move on.

It's not nice; breaking someone's heart, but as life everything happens for a reason. I have no regrets and I hope he doesn't either. Life will go on and I really do hope he is happy.

People often ask me what I felt during the relationship and with honesty I can answer that I felt- overwhelmed.  I won't lie to you, I loved him, I really did. But that love was lost, broken, my heart couldn't feel the same way. I miss him, but as I told him, I have to move on.

I really hope no one feels like this- Because when you break someone's heart, you break your own.




Illustrated by: Ivanna Vera 

The Evil Part *Illustrated*

There's a side of me, 
A side I will never understand
A side so dark that I'm afraid to explore

My right side tells me to always remain conscious  
But then my bad side tells to ignore it and to do it my way 

The bad side kicks in mostly at night where the dreams are lost and forgotten 
My nightmares come running for me, telling me to get lost with them 

My right side tries to save me but the nightmare are just to strong. They tell me to stop resisting the temptation and to live life without regrets. My right side holds into the idea of a new start, where everything is perfect. 

But then the bad side comes in and tells me there is no new start, there will never be a new start. 
My mind can't decide which side is the right one and which one is wrong. 

And just when I thought the bad side had me, 
The right side is still there somewhere 

Illustration by: Ariadna Cherit 

Concupiscence *Illustrated*

Embrace my loneliness
and cuddle with it
Silent waves crashing
against my body

Shield my dreams
Hide them, hide them
From the world and
Protect them from thieves

Close those soft eyes
Cover them with darkness
Let the kiss remain
And rush only your lips

Hold my hopes and
Let them guide you
Maybe after all,
Your soul will discover
What your mind couldn't bear

 

Ilustration by Ana Pichardo
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